There’s a game for the Nintendo Switch called Bravely Default II. First, this implies the existence of at least one other game bearing this title, but secondly what the hell is “bravely default” supposed to mean anyways? Is that like when you register an account on Facebook and decide not to upload a personal picture or banner and just use the placeholders? Bravely Default is one of those Japanese games whose English titles don’t mean a goddamned thing, like Octopath Traveler and Daemon Ex Machina. I mean technically those can literally translate to something but is that what the game is about? I don’t know.
Nintendo seems relatively keen on reminding us every once in a while that Bravely Default II exists. I couldn’t tell you if the game was released because just looking at the art style I know it’ll interest me about as much as doing my own taxes, but I’m not here to trash on a game I’ve never even played for the sake of comedy; this isn’t some ROM pit schlock site circa 2004. Nintendo has a rewards club that supplanted Club Nintendo a while back called “MyNintendo Rewards”. Not only is that the most creative name on the planet, sometimes there are actual decent rewards there. One of the two preceding statements was sarcasm. I promise this is a relevant tangent.
There are a lot of Bravely Default wallpapers that you can “buy” for 50 MyNintendo points but even though I essentially have unlimited points thanks to Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp and Super Mario Run I’m not going to blow them on wallpapers for a game I don’t even care about. That’s why all the images in this article are of low resolution: they’re the preview graphics for the prizes. Anyways, who cares? It’s not like you want them either, most likely.
But there was something for free in the midst of these Bravely Default wallpapers: a “personality quiz”. Yep for a staggering 0 MyNintendo points you can download a PDF of a 10-point questionnaire and see what character class in the game best suits you. For those of you who don’t have a MyNintendo account, or who just can’t be bothered to log in and grab this, (or hell even if you’re reading this in 2025 and Nintendo has taken this “prize” down) here are the PDF’s for the QUIZ and SCORE respectively. Feel free to play along at home, but at least open up the quiz and read along because I’m not going to include all the answers I didn’t pick and those are important for context.
Surely by now you know where this is going: I downloaded the quiz and I took it. Here’s my answers and results.
1. What’s your favorite color?
Each of these questions have eight possible answers, meaning in this case there was room for all the primary and secondary colors, pink, and then “black and white” as a double entry. I chose purple, because that’s just the truth, but what if I was a goth who really liked the color black but wouldn’t be caught dead wearing white? Do I still pick “Black/White” as an answer? Or do I pick my second favorite option? Do goth people even like more than one color? That one’s a genuine question. Anyways we’re one step into this quiz and I’m already watching both it and this dumb article unravel.
2. What genre would the book about your life be?
Okay so I know I just got done dumping on goths in the previous entry but how come we have “Comedy” as an option but not “Tragedy”? I mean that was going to be my honest answer here but I guess since my backup facade is that I’m a comedian who takes things in stride and laughs about the wider picture in life I chose the humor option. You can’t have white without the black, hell the previous question combined those two colors into one solitary option. How come this one wasn’t “Comedy/Tragedy” with that logic? And what’s with the “Biography” option being suffixed by “of course”? Is there a character in this dumb game whose sole defining trait is pure narcissism? If so who the fuck is going to pick that guy and play as them? Instagram models? Nuh uh, they’re too busy making ping-pong GIF’s of their asses in the mirror to do anything for longer than 10 minutes at a time. They’re basically disabled. They probably can’t read anyways.
3. When do you have the most energy?
A. Late evening (9PM-12AM)
Since “my depression and the medication I take for it leave me tired and defeated all the time” isn’t an option (it’s kind of a long answer admittedly) I went with the next most reasonable answer which just so happens to be the exact time slot that Gatorbox broadcasts: 9PM-12AM. I wouldn’t say I have the most energy because Lord knows we’ve had shows where I’m not as able to pretend I don’t want to just fucking drop dead on the spot, but at least that’s when I experience anything approaching a modicum of happiness. Man, I really should not have made jokes about goths right out of the gate because this is starting to sound like a Livejournal post.
4. What extracurriculars did you participate in as a kid?
A. Math or Science Clubs
The only option not to feature an ampersand &/or slash, I went with this option because ostensibly I was in both of these kinds of clubs at different periods in my schooling. It would be like if my favorite colors were black and white but I couldn’t choose between the two, this is the perfect answer for me! I guess I’ll use this paragraph to tell you about the time I got kicked off of my high school’s Lego Mindstorms team. I was tired of building the lame robots out of the guides so I started making my own contraptions because – and this is the key takeaway here – it’s fucking Lego. The instructor was none too happy with me using Legos for their intended purpose so he said I was on thin ice. We had an event at the school where we demonstrated robots that could multitask, one of the tasks was being able to push a can of Spam outside of a circle without leaving the circle. Sumo, in other words. Well my robot did fuck all except spin unreasonably fast and had its light sensors pointed straight ahead as opposed to at the floor meaning it cared not about the floor markings, it just wanted to kill. I turned my robot on, it began spinning its “weapon” cage wildly, locked onto the Spam (which appeared as a dark blotch to the light sensors), made contact with the can of potted meat, and fucking exploded throwing the can off of the table and ripping a gash in the side of it. Most of my robot stayed within the circle. I was asked to leave. Science!
5. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
A. A secluded cottage in the woods
Honestly, and this is going to sound weird coming from an entertainer, my aspirations in life are to be left the fuck alone. I don’t care about interacting with society at large and people piss me the fuck off. Still regretting the goth joke, by the way. Anyone who marked “in a bustling city” as their answer clearly hasn’t lived in one before otherwise they’d be smart enough not to mark it. Or maybe they’re from California and they aren’t smart enough to not mark it, whichever. Anyone who marked “a calm cozy suburb” is someone I’d consider adding to your list of people to avoid because the Venn diagram of “people who aspire to live in the suburbs” and “people who want to speak to the manager” is a circle. I’m assuming most people probably went with the answer of having a huge mansion and lots of wealth but I don’t think they really understand what that entails. I’m not saying I sympathize with billionaires – I don’t, fuck ’em all – but I personally wouldn’t be able to handle the kind of pure vitriol they receive. I’m surprised The Billionaires (proper noun now, I guess) haven’t started doing things like becoming majority stakeholder in Twitter just to vote to close that shit down. Maybe if they did I’d start liking people like Jess Bezwad from Amazon a lot more, but as it currently stands he can still eat my whole ass.
6. What type of clothing do you prefer?
A. Casual and comfortable
I’ve been told that I dress “like I’m from a Seattle band in 1994”. I’m not sure that was levied as a compliment when it was initially relayed to me but it describes my fashion sense for the past 15+ years quite nicely. My wardrobe consists of a pair of jeans in a varying state of distress, a graphic tee, and an open long-sleeved flannel shirt. That’s literally it. Does it make me look like the lost guitarist from Nirvana? Yep. Am I okay with that? Sure am. I dress the way I do and keep my hair long and down because loose clothes and long hair can do wonders for hiding a gut and a fat fucking face. (To an extent.) Even as my weight has fluctuated I’ve still maintained the same look and for all ten goddamned years of Gatorbox I’ve dressed the exact same way; you can probably even see clothes from 2013 that I wear in 2021 because I hardly ever throw shirts out until they get noticeably ratty. (To prove my point eagle-eyed viewers have noted that the “yellow tumbler” I drink from during our hangout streams is the same exact one that’s been around since at least the 2014 seasons, which is when I got it. That’s seven years I’ve had the same one cup. After reading this you’ll notice it the next time it appears.)
7. How would your friends describe you?
F: Creative and original
There isn’t an option here for “I dread the thought of this” so I went with what I assume is the correct answer. I personally would’ve sprung for “kind and empathetic” but we all know that’s kind of bullshit because someone as soured and beat down as I am has a lot of unpacked baggage and grudges that don’t get talked about. I do petty shit all the time to people I hate so yeah while I can certainly be kind and empathetic my closest friends also know about all the times I made sure the dickheads who hurt me eventually got theirs. So in that regard… that makes me creative, because while I wish I could just make the rest of this article a circlejerk about my exploits that would probably just make me look like a sociopath and I think “smart and resourceful” is the answer for that descriptor.
8. What’s your favorite thing to do?
I could’ve sprung for multiple hypothetical answers here but I went with “crafting” just because I’m so hilariously behind on editing Gatorbox videos that I’ll be “crafting” them until the fucking heat death of the universe. It also doesn’t help that I have so many ideas and projects that I just wish I could devote the time to, but if we rewind a few questions there’s that little tidbit about “I have no energy because my brain spends all of it on thinking of new ways I could kill myself” or whatever. Do you know how long the Gatorbox miniseries “The 100 Best Games of All Time” has been on my back burner? Long enough that if this were a literal “back burner” on a stove it’d have turned into charcoal and then into a fucking diamond. Objectively I like to make things, this is true. Do I have the “downtime” to enjoy these activities like the question asks? No.
9. What sounds tastiest to you?
F: A sushi roll with fresh fish
Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been to an Asian buffet before, one that you know serves sushi, but when you take a plate and go up to where the sushi is it’s always empty? That’s because if you pay close attention to who’s at that restaurant you’ll find my fat ass sitting alone at one of the tables with a plate of only sushi and three empty plates stacked up in front of me because the servers at Asian buffets don’t pick those up until you leave simply because they want to shame you for being a fat American. Joke’s on them though because even though buffet sushi is as cheap as they come I’ll still eat about $200 worth for eight bucks. And a minor correction, there will be “sushi” available at the buffet, but it’ll be that shit made with imitation crab, avocado, and cream cheese. Ya boy Draco don’t fuck with that fake shit. I like my sushi like I like my women: dragons. Wait, no.
10. What’s your favorite Nintendo series?
A. Super Mario Bros.
This is such a weird question because the more I looked at the eight answers the more I realized I kind of don’t care about any of them anymore, but “I: None of the above” wasn’t an option so I just sprung for Super Mario Bros because some of my earliest gaming memories revolve around the plumbers. Some of my fondest memories in life come from Pokemon, but I haven’t given two shits about a Pokemon game since Yellow was released and I’m not even joking about that; the newest Pokemon game I’ve played out of genuine interest came out twenty-three years ago. Zelda and Metroid are fine, but they aren’t my cup of tea nor are they series I’ve kept up with. Super Smash Bros is a fucking tryhard nightmare, and Animal Crossing isn’t my thing either. I don’t jack it to waifus so Fire Emblem is out of the question and I don’t think I could tell you what a “Xenoblade Chronicles” is even if you had a gun pointed to my face, so that means Mario wins. Congratulations, Super Mario Bros, in a list of Nintendo franchises you’ve been donned the title “least objectionable programming”.
And that’s the quiz. Now it’s time to flip to the score sheet and tally up my answers. When the dust has settled, I scored a perfect split down the middle: 40 points. I scored the most points for my answers of “I’d make more paintings if I wasn’t depressed” and “motherfucker I will murder a sushi buffet”. I scored the least for “I committed a hate crime against a can of Spam” and “I want to be a hermit because I’m agoraphobic and just haven’t realized it yet”. I don’t understand this rubric.
So what does my score of 40 points make me? A THIEF! The character class with the shortest description of all because all Nintendo could think up to downplay the negative connotations of thievery was “the only thing you’ve stolen is everyone’s hearts”. If you say so, Big N. I’ve stolen everyone’s hearts and things like deodorant, toothpaste, and soap because “being depressed all the time” isn’t a “disabling condition” anymore. Don’t worry though, I’ve never pocketed a “want”, just a “need”. But yeah let’s focus on the hearts since I don’t think that classifies as “shoplifting”.
Also how the fuck did you know I was a thief, Nintendo? Is it the decades of me downloading all the ROMs of Super Mario Bros and never deleting them after 24 hours like the emulation websites asked us to do? I PAID FOR 3D ALL-STARS. I didn’t like it – at all – but I paid for that BS, and then I flipped it and made my money back and then some. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Seriously, hate the game. 3D All-Stars blew chode.
So how did you do? Did you take the test along with me? Since I landed literally on the exact middle which side did you tumble toward, higher or lower? Or did you also manage to make the coin land on its edge and score 40 just like me? Is your Bravely Default II character class indicative of your personality? Do you also pocket the minor necessities in life because capitalism is an all-encompassing disparate void of grey goo that will someday ruin us all when entropy finally wins? Thank you for coming to my TED Talk, also Bravely Default II was released on February 26, 2021 apparently. Now you know.